My Life Without You
by LornaCat
Summary: A follow-up to "My Promise To You", post-series finale. James is still writing letters, having dreams, and dealing with life after the island. Includes angsty Suliet interaction, and some mentions/appearances of other Ajira 316 survivors.
1. I Need To See You Happy

**Spoilers: **Takes place after the show, so...everything! But especially 6.1 "LA X" and 6.17/18 "The End" in this first chapter.

**Summary:** This is a follow up to "My Promise To You", which was a series of letters written between James and Juliet during/inspired by season 6. This one will be a mix of letters, third person narrative and dreams, all from James' point of view, and all after his escape from the island.

(I feel the need here to mention **justawritier**'s post-finale fic "Broken", which I was really inspired by before I wrote this. Definitely check it out, it's beautiful.)

**Rated T** for language.

* * *

**My Life Without You**

* * *

_Hey, baby._

_We made it. Me, Miles, Claire, Kate, Alpert and this guy named Frank who flew us out. We all made it 'home'. But you and I both know I never had a home aside from what I had with you, and even that island was a shitty substitute. _

_My home was you. _

_Miles told me to stay put in LA, and Kate offered me a place to stay. She asked me to help her take care of Claire for a while, but I couldn't say yes to either of 'em. I had to go someplace nobody would talk to me or ask how I was really doing. I felt alone no matter who was around me, so I thought I might as well be alone too._

_Went down to Mexico for a while. I knew I wouldn't see too many blondes down there. That's the quickest way to make my heart ache nowadays, and another reason I couldn't stick around Claire too long, either. She ain't you, Blondie. No one is, was, or ever will be. But still._

_I'm gonna go see your sister and your nephew. I promise. But I'm scared. I know it's worse for her not knowing, but she don't know me yet, and I'm scared of what it'll do to her, hearing it from a stranger. I keep wondering if she's gonna look like you, and if that's gonna make it harder. _

_I call Miles once in a while, to let him know I'm alive, and to make sure Los Angeles hasn't fallen into the ocean. Seems to happen a lot to the people I know, the ground going out from underneath 'em. _

_I -_

"Whatcha writin?"

James stopped moving his pen and looked up from the table, remembering only then that he was in a diner. The waitress that smiled down at him smacked her gum loudly, living up to the stereotype. She was being nosy, but it was harmless. She just wanted a tip. He glanced down at the paper, debating covering it up with his arm and then realizing he really didn't care if a stranger got a peek.

"It's a letter." he said, to be polite.

"To who?" the waitress said, smiling again.

_Girlfriend? _She was more than that. _Wife?_ She never got the chance to say yes. _Love of my life?_ Didn't mean much unless you knew her.

"To a woman I knew." James said simply.

"Aw, a love letter?" the girl asked, missing the subtext of the past tense.

"You could say that." he replied, his tone flat and lacking any charm or invitation to continue asking him questions.

The girl finally sensed that he wasn't going to flirt or have a friendly conversation with her, so she asked him what she could write on her little pad, and he gave her his order. When she walked away, James returned his left hand to the sentence he'd just begun.

_I had that dream again. The one where you're pregnant and you keep telling me we gotta get rid of it. If I never have it again it'll be too soon. It's nice to see you, but not like that, not sad and sacrificing. It tears me up every time. Please, if you can, come to me some other way. I need to see you happy._

_I'm in Arizona now. Heading to Utah in the morning. Gonna see those Red Rocks we talked about. Is that far enough away from the jungle for you? _

* * *

James would drive and drive until his car was almost out of gas, and then he'd find a gas station, fill up the tank and keep going. When he passed through a small town he'd find their liquor store and buy a bottle of Jack Daniel's. He was saving up for a bender, trying to see how long he could go before he needed to slip into oblivion. He'd been doing well lately, in that respect. Writing his letters kept him sober, because he didn't like the way they came out when he was drunk. The things he read back to himself when he woke up with a hangover felt disrespectful and dumb, but even those he didn't have the strength to burn or throw away. Every word belonged to Juliet, the moment the ink dried on the paper. He'd been doing well lately, but he'd been saving up for a bender because he felt the edge of a cliff rushing up to meet him. When he reached that edge he'd need to be numb for a while. The numbness would last until he hit the ground, when he'd feel all the pain again, fresh and deep into his bones. The pain of losing her.

That night, after leaving the diner and driving to the next motel, James almost opened one of the bottles, but changed his mind at the last second. _I can wait another day_. he thought. _One more day._ He'd been doing so well lately.

That night, after kicking off his boots and laying flat on his back in bed, James stared at the ceiling until he was asleep. How he slept at all when he was sober he didn't know, but when he started dreaming, his subconscious thanked him for leaving that bottle alone. He didn't dream when he was drunk.

That night, James had a new dream. In this new dream, he was in a motel, but it wasn't a motel he'd ever been in. _Fuck_, he'd think later on. _At least I was off the island..._

* * *

_Juliet sat on the edge of his bed, gazing at him like she'd been watching him sleep. James stared at her, aware that he was dreaming but trying to figure out a way to make himself think it was real. She was in her red shirt, the one that she'd died in. The one he'd buried her in. She looked clean, though. At peace._

_"I thought you'd be happier to see me." she said. Her eyes crinkled when she smiled, turning what could have been a complaint into a sweet, teasing thing. He hesitated, still trying to work through what was happening in his mind. The quiet in the room, invaded by the hum of the vending machines outside his window, was so convincing._

_"I am happy to see you." he said suddenly, breaking the noisy silence. "I'm just scared you'll disappear if I do anything but lay here."_

_Juliet let her head fall to the side, her hair slipping out from behind her ear, and she regarded him with a calm and reassuringly confident look. _

_"I won't." she said. "Not until you wake up. I promise."_

_James let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. It didn't comfort him, knowing he'd eventually wake up. But he could pretend for now. For her. He sat up, reaching for her, and she moved toward him. _

_"Can I kiss you?" he asked, so innocently, looking into her eyes for permission, or for reassurance that it wasn't against the rules. At this, her quiet confidence seemed to dissolve into heartbroken sympathy for him. _

_"You can do anything you want to me, James." said Juliet. _

_He touched her face, his thumbs stroking the skin on her cheeks, and he knew she could feel his hands shaking. She put her hands over his, pressing them to her face, and smiled while he continued to search her eyes._

_"It's okay." she told him, and his eyes welled up with tears. The tears spilled over, but he didn't fight it. He didn't have to with her._

_"I miss you." he said, his voice choked. God, her face...her neck was so warm... _

_"I know." said Juliet, turning her head to kiss one of his palms._

_"I miss you so much -"_

James woke up with a start, sitting up immediately. The room was empty, and his cheeks were wet. That was it. There was no ground underneath him anymore, the edge was behind him and he was falling now, so fast and hard he almost couldn't breathe. James covered his face with his hand, steeling himself against the feeling, but it lanced his heart and he began to cry. She wasn't there. She wasn't anywhere he could reach. The pain would never end because, no matter how long he dreamed, he'd always wake up alone. He tried to control it, but when he tried to remember more of the dream he got to bawling as hard as ever before. He couldn't numb it now, not now that he was in it, feeling it, being ripped apart by the ache.

He'd open a bottle and start that bender the next day, though. As soon as he finished the letter.

* * *

_I had a new dream last night. Felt like an answered prayer. You came to my motel room, and you smiled at me and told me everything was okay. You were so beautiful, just the way I remember you. Thing is, fool that I am, I only asked for a happy you. Forgot to ask for a happy me too. I realized something last night though, after I woke up out of that dream. _

_I'm never gonna get over you. _

_I also realized that I don't want to._

_I love you, Juliet. Forever.  
_

_- James_


	2. Ask Me Now

_I know I shouldn't talk about her in a letter to you, but I've been drinkin' again, and I tell you everything that crosses my mind when that happens, so here I go..._

_Kate's not doin' so well. Claire's been having a hell of a time adjusting. Won't spend any time with Aaron unless Kate's there with her. And sometimes Kate will catch Claire staring, and she wonders if she's going to attack her again. Talk about a fucked up, dysfunctional family. It'll be a miracle if Aaron comes out of that mess any better than if his two mommies had never come back._

_Jesus, listen to me. That was a mean thing to say. I'm sorry, Juliet. Thank god they're alive, right? _

_I'm sorry._

* * *

James was still drunk. He took a quarter out of his pocket, shoved it into a pay phone, and dialed the only number he bothered to memorize after returning to the real world. It rang once, and then a comforting, familiar voice said hello. James stared blank-eyed at the numbers he'd just pressed, making Miles say hello a second time. James wanted to say hi back to him, but there was only one thing he could talk about. One track, one thought, one memory.

"I saw her, Miles."

There was a pause, as Miles was forced to figure out who it could be on his own. It didn't take him long.

"...James? Where are you right now?"

"It was different this time." James said slowly, ignoring the question or not really hearing it in the first place. "She was wearin' that red shirt. She smiled at me, real nice and pretty."

"Tell me where you are, I can meet you there."

"Her skin was warm."

"You're still in the US, right?"

"I know, 'cause I touched her. In the dream."

"James-"

"I'm in Arizona." James snapped. "You listen to a word I just said?"

"Yeah." Miles said, backing off so he could keep him on the line. "I'm sorry, man. Yeah."

James backed off too, and the line was quiet for a while. Miles always listened to every word. He'd heard it all before, but the whiskey always put the record back to the start.

"I shouldn't have had to bury her, Miles."

"No, you shouldn't have." Miles agreed patiently.

"We was gonna get married."

Miles waited to see if James was going to cry this time. When he was drunk enough, mentioning the marriage proposal that never happened always brought on the tears, but James' voice didn't crack. He wasn't that drunk, then.

"I wanted her to have my baby." James admitted, not for the first time.

"I know, man." said Miles, since a verbal pat on the shoulder really was all he could do. "I know." The line was quiet for much longer this time. Miles could see James' face in his mind, brow furrowed and scowling. All James could see in his mind's eye was Juliet, smiling at him. He'd woken up too soon. James blinked, realizing suddenly where he was, what he was doing, the number he'd dialed. Saying these things never helped him, but he had that need to say them anyway.

"I gotta sleep this off." James mumbled, the prelude to goodbye.

"James." Miles said before he could hang up. James didn't reply, but he stayed on the line and listened. "Stay safe." Miles told him, all his advice summed up in those two words. Don't drink and drive, don't take any pills, don't talk to anyone but me when you're upset because you'll only make things worse. It was what he added afterward that would make James call him again in a few weeks. "Hey - I hope you see her again soon."

_Thank you, Miles._ James would have said, if only the grief didn't have him in a chokehold. _Thank you. You're my best friend, and I don't know what I would do if you didn't let me call you and act this way. You never ask me for anything in return. I know you care, and it keeps me grounded._

Instead of saying those things, James took the phone away from his ear and hung it up. Miles would understand.

* * *

_I always thought I wasn't good enough for you. You always knew what was going on in my head, even when you were still a mystery to me. You had it all shut up so tight, sometimes I could barely tell you liked me, let alone loved me. But I remember the feeling I got when I realized you'd opened up to me. Felt like I'd reached the top of Mount fucking Everest, that's what it felt like. Like I'd cracked the toughtest safe in the world. Except, it wasn't really anything I'd done, was it? It was your choice. I guess you trusted me._

_Wanna hear something funny? I'm rich now. Oceanic gave me the same share as the original six. I'm not even gonna tell ya what Kate got from Ajira too. I got all this money, enough to provide you with anything you could ever want - we could buy a submarine of our own now, to sink or blow up or ride to the bottom of the ocean and back up again. I got all this money, and I think about the trips we could be taking together, and how we'd never have to work again._

_But you're not around. So this money's going to the kids we never met. Clementine and Julian are gonna be rich now, Cassidy and Rachel too. _

_I miss you so much, Juliet. I just pulled over to the side of the road to watch the sun set on the desert. I got out this pen and paper 'cause I was gonna describe it to you, but words ain't gonna do it justice. Just know it's worthy of us, baby. This is a James and Juliet sunset. I wish you were here to see it._

* * *

James took all the unopened bottles out of the trunk of his car and left them by the side of the road, for whatever lucky passerby wanted to stop and pick them up. No more drinking, he told himself. No more booze. He needed to be dry, and stay dry, for a while. This week, he told himself. This week you'll buy a plane ticket and go to Miami, and you don't have to have a speech planned because when the door opens and you see her sister's face, you'll know what to do. It'll come to you. You just have to get there.

That night, he had another dream. It was even closer to real than the last, and it made him wonder if she wasn't speaking to him from beyond.

* * *

_"James?" she said softly. It always sounded nice on her tongue. Even when she was angry at him he liked the way it sounded. But she wasn't angry now. She was just...Juliet. _

_"Yeah, baby?" James answered her. He held her in his arms, in the bed, in the motel. She was still wearing her red shirt. He could see it past the top of her head, which he kissed, inhaling so he could smell her hair. It smelled like flowers. It always did._

_"You can ask me now." Juliet told him. _

_James closed his eyes, feeling her body resting against him. He was her bed, her pillow, her resting place. She could stay there as long as she wanted. _

_"Will you marry me, Juliet?" _

_James heard the ice machine turn on outside the room. Juliet hugged him close, holding his body tight. He was her everything._

_"Yes." she said. He could tell from her voice she was smiling. "I want to be with you forever."_

_James kept his eyes closed, and felt the warm body in his arms. He kept expecting her to disappear, for his arms to suddenly be empty, cold instead of warm, but she stayed._

_"I love you, James."_

* * *

In his sleep, James smiled, his mind at ease for the night. _Don't end,_ he begged the dream, somewhere in his mind that wouldn't show up in the dream itself. _Don't ever end. _


	3. Catch Up

_Your sister's...different. I can see the resemblance though, when she smiles. And the sarcasm - that must be genetic. We talked about you for hours. She even had some neighbors watch Julian for a while. I think she wanted to protect him, so he wouldn't see us cryin'. I tried my hardest not to, but she showed me pictures of you and it reminded me too much of home. _

_I made you smile, didn't I? That'll remain one of the greatest achievements in my life. Just makin' you smile._

* * *

In the moment between the sound of the door knob turning and the first time James saw Rachel's face, he felt like a universe of vacuous space was rushing toward him. He didn't have time to worry about it anymore, about whether or not he deserved to be there and share in her sister's grief. He held his breath and stood his ground, and the door opened. She saw him, and it took only a moment before she recognized his face.

"You're James Ford." she said. As if she were surprised.

James's mouth came open to ask her how she knew, but she could already see the confusion in his features.

"I recognize you from the news." she explained. But that still didn't explain the sad smile that appeared as she looked at him.

"I knew your sister." said James, feeling like a fool for not knowing where else to start. Rachel broke eye contact, looking downward as she remembered the news she'd heard a month ago. James could tell she already knew. Somehow, she'd found out.

"A man named Richard came to talk to me about that." she said quietly. Maybe Rachel's emotions threatened to take her over, the way his always seemed to when he thought about her, but when she looked up, it looked to James like she still had them under control.

He felt untethered. Like a breeze could blow him away, or blow him apart like dust.

"Did you know him too?" she asked.

James nodded. "Alpert." he said, his voice hollow. "Yeah."

"He told me a little about you." said Rachel. "About you and Jules. Juliet." She corrected herself with a pained expression, though she was sure James would know who she was talking about. If what Richard told her was true, James would have known Juliet intimately. He nodded politely at her statement, and an awkward silence settled on the doorstep. Rachel was just as nervous as James was, but they'd both had more than a few weeks to prepare for a conversation like this.

She had too many questions to turn him away.

She invited him in, and he stepped inside, feeling like a foreigner. Real houses, real neighborhoods. He was still getting used to those things again. Rachel offered him a seat in her living room, and explained that she needed to make a quick phone call to her neighbor, so that someone could look after her son while they spoke. He'd never met his Aunt Juliet. There was nothing for him to understand.

As she left the room, James turned to look around. Long, curly blonde hair caught his attention, and his eyes came to rest on a framed photograph. It sat on the table beside the couch. He felt an emotion close around his heart when he recognized its subject. His heart choked, and his stomach hurt. Aside from his dreams and the memories that grew fuzzier with each passing day, he hadn't seen Juliet's face since the day he'd buried her. Suddenly there she was, smiling for whomever was behind the camera that day. _Smiling_. She looked ten years younger, and he didn't know if it was actually ten years ago, or if the stress of the island had aged her. He'd always found her beautiful, but that young, carefree smile...there was no cynicism, no heavy baggage behind it. It was pure happiness.

He stood there staring at it, losing track of time, until Rachel returned. He glanced up at her before he realized his eyes had welled up with tears. When he did realize it, he turned away, and pressed his thumb and forefinger into his eye sockets.

"Sorry." he said, his voice now hoarse. He inhaled, quickly through his nose, and cleared his throat. With the hand that stopped the tears, he gestured toward the table where the photograph sat so innocently. "I saw the picture." he said to Rachel, and he dared to look at it again. He laughed, one soft, sad exhalation, amazed by the emotions a single image could stir in him. "Been a long time since I seen that smile." he said.

Rachel looked at the frame, at her sister's smiling face. As she moved to the table and picked the photo up in one hand to get a closer look, Rachel's sad smile returned. She gazed at Juliet, into Juliet's eyes, and recalled the day it had been taken. She'd had the photo out for years, for as long as Juliet had been away.

James looked up at Rachel, and he watched cautiously as she reminisced inside her own head.

"God, she was gorgeous, wasn't she?" Rachel said suddenly, breaking the silence. She looked at James with a broad smile. It caught him off guard, and his lips twitched into something resembling a smile as he looked away.

"Yeah." he agreed, again feeling like a fool with no words to express all that he was feeling. There would never be enough, enough words or enough time, to express all that he was feeling.

"I, um." Rachel began to speak. She was interrupted by another knock at the door. "That's my neighbor." she murmured, setting the photo down on the table. She walked away, toward the door, calling to Julian as she went.

"Why do I have to go?" whined a six-year-old boy, trudging down the hall toward his mother.

"It's just for a little while." Rachel, with that infinite patience the Carlson women seemed to share. Anything she said after that, James missed. When he realized what state he was in, and that Julian would walk by and perhaps see a strange, crying man in his living room, James stood up, and walked in the opposite direction, to the back of the living room. His back was turned as mother and son said their goodbyes.

_"...was a friend of Juliet's..."_

He heard her say among the murmurs, before Rachel sent them on their way and closed the door. He knew she was just being polite, getting the neighbor out of the way without having to explain too much.

When they were gone, Rachel turned and saw James standing awkwardly next to the far window.

"Come into the kitchen." she said. "I'll fix us some coffee or something."

James almost saw Juliet in the polite, almost sweet command. Rachel was different, but she was definitely Juliet's sister.

* * *

_I realized, talking to Rachel, that there are so many things I didn't know about you. I guess neither of us were big on talkin' about the past. The two of you must have been close, though. She filled in a lot of blanks for me, maybe more than I did for her. I think she was grateful anyway, to know that you might have been happy for a few of those missing years. _

_I ask myself whether making you smile was the same as making you happy. I ask a lot, but I still don't have an answer yet. Only you can tell me, baby. I hope I see you again soon, if only to know for sure. _

_If the answer's yes, I think that'd damn near complete me. _

* * *

"I've got a check for ya." James muttered as he stood from the chair in Rachel's kitchen. He felt around on his pockets, trying to remember which one it was in.

"Oh, James, that's not necessary." Rachel said. She stood, shaking her head, trying to be gracious as she refused.

James sighed, a small half smile casting his face in a wry expression. "I can't spend it all myself." he said earnestly, as if it were a task that exhausted him. "I got no use for all this money. And maybe it's foolish, or too forward, but...you feel like family. In a way."

Rachel didn't answer right away. At first she seemed stung by his words. He worried he may have offended her, claiming a relation to Juliet that he, in Rachel's eyes, hadn't earned. Her expression did lighten the more she thought about it, the more she thought about Julian's future, and the more she recalled their long conversation. He'd asked her million questions, she'd asked him a million more and now he wanted to shove way too much money into her hands. He'd filled in blanks that even Richard Alpert couldn't have guessed at filling, and all he wanted in return was to make her and her remaining family rich.

"I'll take it on one condition." said Rachel.

She went to the living room, and took the picture of smiling Juliet from the table. She almost went to take it out of the frame, but she stopped herself. Why shouldn't he have the frame too? She asked him to take it, that it was the very least she could do and that if he wanted more he could take those too.

James hefted the framed photo, content just to see the check in Rachel's hand. The picture was worth more than any amount Oceanic could throw at him. He didn't ask for more from Rachel. He only said thank you. Rachel already knew how much it meant to him.

Rachel led him back to the door, and worked up the courage to invite him for a return visit.

"You should come back some time, okay?" she said. "I'd like to hear more about the time you spent together."

"I thought it might help." said James. He still felt sheepish, and foolishly unworthy.

"It did help, James." said Rachel. "It helped a lot."

James left Rachel's house in a daze. He didn't realize until he got into the car and drove away that he'd done something good, for Juliet's lost sister, on Juliet's behalf.

And that helped him a lot too.

* * *

_You answering my prayers, Blondie? 'cause __I'm havin' sweeter dreams every night. _

_Last night we were walking on the beach. You were ahead of me, looking over your shoulder and smiling. Always walking away. You get further and further away from me all the time. But I see you, still looking back over your shoulder, smiling and asking me to follow you. _

_How many times do I have to tell you, Juliet? You don't have to ask. I'll follow you anywhere you wanna go, for as long as you want me to. It doesn't matter where we go. __I'm not gonna let you get away. I guess I gotta figure out how to move a little faster in my dreams, but one of these nights I'm gonna catch up to you. What that means for me during the waking day, I don't know yet. But I'm right behind you, sweetheart. Please don't leave me behind._


	4. Past The Sky

_I went back to Los Angeles, to visit the girls. Claire's lookin a lot better these days. She cleaned herself up, talked to a shrink. She smiles now, and Aaron calls her mommy. I think Kate's relieved about that, but I know she's sad about it at the same time. She's sad about a lot of things, but she stayed in LA. That's more than I can say for myself._

_I'm thinkin about staying this time, though. For a little while, at least. _

_Went to the park with all of them today - Kate, Claire, and Aaron. We laid down on the grass and looked up at the sky. It was near an airport, so we saw a couple planes fly overhead. Can't speak for the ladies - they were real quiet, we all were - but damned if the sight of 'em don't make me nostalgic. It's messed up, ain't it? I don't remember much about the plane that brought me to you, but the plane that took us away, I can still see every inch. I can't describe the pull I felt on my heart when we lifted off. Like I was leaving something so important behind. And seeing it all from the sky, I realized how small the island really was. It could sink into the ocean and nobody but us would know it had ever been there at all._

_I understand now why Kate and everyone went back. They __did__ go back for us, but they also went back so they'd know the place was real. So they'd know the people they'd left behind were real._

___I didn't mean to leave you behind. I didn't mean to leave you at all. Just know we remember you, and we all know you were there with us. __I'd go back, just to be near you. But I know you're not there anymore. I know. So I'm staying in LA, to be with the other people I know are real._

_I also know now why Kate and I made it out of there alive._

* * *

"Do you think they went to heaven?" Claire asked. She stared up at the blue sky, which was not blocked but merely decorated by beautiful white clouds. Aaron was at her side, seated right next to her waist, with his mother's arm around his bottom as he played with his toys. She felt a small leg in her hand, and she knew she hadn't missed his entire childhood.

She was thinking about Charlie, and about Jack and Juliet. She was thinking about Sun, Jin and Sayid and everyone else who had sacrificed their lives, willingly or not, to help those that made it off the island.

"I _know _they went to heaven." James declared, thinking about all of them.

In his peripheral vision, James saw Kate bring both hands up to her face. With a finger beneath each eye, she wiped silent tears, giving no other indication that she was crying. She laid her hands on her stomach, and kept staring at the sky. Her vision was blurry from the tears, but at the same time it was crystal clear. The same way it was crystal clear for James.

"Without a doubt." he said.

"Do you think we'll see them again?" Claire asked him.

He thought about Juliet, Jack and Charlie and where they would be right in that moment, after sacrificing their lives to make sure James, Kate, Claire and her baby boy could make it out alive. He thought about them in Claire's heaven, whatever and wherever that heaven might be, and he knew he and his current company were only alive so they could earn their place next to them.

"We're workin on it, Goldilocks." said James. Aaron looked up at the sound of that name. He recognized it from the book that Claire read to him every night. It was a story about taking things that don't belong to you, about going places you aren't supposed to go. Maybe Claire wasn't Goldilocks after all.

"We're workin' on it." James sighed.


End file.
